The death of a loved one is a difficult and heartrending experience for adults. Imagine how much more difficult it can be for children, for whom it is often a new and confusing experience. How can we, as parents, help them to deal with their emotions (and questions) at a time of sadness and grief?

My grandmother passed away two days before Christmas. As I struggled to deal with my own feelings about her death, my thoughts also turned to my children. My son has attended a couple of funerals over the four years since he was born, but he’s never had much to say about them; I felt sure he would now. His sister, a born conversationalist, also seemed likely to have questions or thoughts about the memorial and funeral services.

I should note that I know some parents feel they should shield their children—especially young children—from such events. However, my husband and I agreed that the children should attend. They were with us when we found my grandmother’s house to be empty and figured out that she must have been taken to the hospital. They were also with us when we learned that she had died. There was no hiding what had happened from them, and we felt that attending the services would probably help them to accept Grandma Ethel’s death. These were just our thoughts; others surely have differing opinions.

In any case, I didn’t feel prepared for the task of shepherding my children through this sad experience. I didn’t feel I knew how to address the sadness they felt. So, I turned to the experts. I looked at an article by Bruce D. Perry, MD, PhD and Jana Lihn Rosenfelt, MEd, LPC of the Child Trauma Academy, which had been reprinted by Scholastic. I also turned to a piece written by the Mayo Clinic’s Edward Creagan, MD, which I remembered had helped me find a measure of peace after another loved one’s death some time ago.

Below are a few tips that I learned about what parents can do to help their children cope with the death of a loved one. Please note that I have compiled these suggestions with the needs of a child whose loved one has died from illness or old age, rather than a traumatic event (e.g., accident, shooting). Such children will be challenged by processing the actual event in addition to coping with the loss. Perry and Rosenfelt do provide additional guidance for caregivers faced with such circumstances, and I refer readers to their article.

Talk about the loss.
Death may be confusing and frightening for children. Using age-appropriate language, be honest and open with them. Their long-term recovery is more difficult if they are not able to discuss the loss or their feelings, which typically include sadness, anger, and confusion. Because children model their emotional and behavioral responses on their parents, it may be helpful for parents to share with them your feelings of sadness and how you manage them.

Explain what you can.
In the first few days or weeks, let children know it is normal to think about their loved one’s death. Know that they may or may not want to talk more about it right then. There’s no one “correct” way for children to respond to loss. That’s ok. Be prepared to discuss the details again (and perhaps many times).

Open the door to discussion.
Let your children know that any time they want to talk about it, they can. After that, let them take the lead on talking about the death. Don’t be surprised if they sometimes talk or act as though the loved one isn’t dead. As the experts explain, it may “take many individual moments of sad clarity for the reality of the loss to actually sink in for young children. Between these moments . . . children use a variety of coping techniques.” But don’t avoid the topic when they bring it up.

Don’t know everything.
Listen to questions and give your best answers, but don’t think you need to know everything. It’s ok to say you don’t know why the death happened; it’s ok to say you feel sad, too. “Listening and comforting” without “avoiding or over-reacting” will have “critical and long-lasting positive effects” on children’s coping abilities.

Don’t expect it to end overnight.
As anyone who has lost a loved one knows, healing can be a long process. Children can “re-experience” their loss over time. They may repeat or re-enact some elements of the loss as they come to terms with it. The concerns of young children may even be projected onto cartoon characters or others they come in contact with.

Don’t associate sleep with death.
Children may become afraid of going to sleep themselves or of loved ones going to sleep if they associate it with death. It is better to try to elicit their thoughts about death and respond specifically to those ideas.

Don’t forget the loved ones.
Parents can help their children remember the loved ones by sharing memories, rituals, habits, and beliefs. As my uncle said, Grandma Ethel “will be with us every Christmas.” For sure, we will think of how she died—but we’ll think of how she lived, too. Sharing our memories will surely bring comfort to us all.