October is “Attachment Parenting” month. What better time to address questions about this latest catch-phrase in parenting circles: What is “attachment parenting”? What does it mean to engage in “attachment parenting”? Why does it have a month?

What it is
Attachment Parenting International’s (API) one-line description of attachment parenting is that it is “giving our children presence.” The organization bills itself as being “the voice for gentle parents everywhere.” That sounds great! Unfortunately, if you’re like me, you can probably think of a few times that you have felt anything but gentle, as a parent. Not that you’d hit your child, but that you responded to some transgression with a bit more harshness than you ever thought you would. That can make API’s descriptions of attachment parenting seem ideal, but unattainable.

Dr. Sears recognizes that attachment parenting is a flexible style of parenting that matures during the course of parenting. The most important element is for parents to open their minds and hearts to the particular needs of each of their children, knowing that “eventually [they] will develop the wisdom” about how to make “on-the-spot decisions” about what works best for themselves and their children.

For parents, attachment parenting is usually the style they use instinctively, as parents seek to connect with their children, then experiment, stick with what works and modify what doesn’t. Getting off on the right foot helps.

From the first days
Dr. Sears identifies seven “tools” of attachment parenting, which he dubs the “Baby B’s.” They are:

1. Birth bonding:  Although this sounds like it refers to the minutes of labor and delivery, Sears is actually referring to the “days and weeks” after a birth, which are “a sensitive period” during which the infant’s “natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors” and the mother’s “intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities” can come together. Taking advantage of this time to bond gives the parent-child relationship a head start.
2. Breastfeeding:  Sears notes that, in addition to delivering a host of health benefits, the act of breastfeeding encourages parents to read their babies’ cues and body language. In addition, it stimulates mothers’ bodies to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that he says “give … mothering a boost.”
3. Babywearing:  Benefits are many and include less fussing for baby, more quiet-alert time for baby, and parents learning their babies’ cues better.
4. Bedding Close to Baby:  Co-sleeping, while not the best solution for all families, can help busy parents reconnect with their babies at night. Close touching and being available for nighttime breastfeeding can minimize nighttime separation anxiety.
5. Believing Baby’s Cry Is Language:  Sensitive responses to your baby’s cries builds trust, as babies learn that their parents will respond, and parents learn to trust their ability to meet their children’s needs. Crying is not manipulation, but communication.
6. Beware of Baby Trainers:  Attachment parenting encourages parents to recognize that not all advice is good advice and to be suspicious of those who encourage parents to watch a clock or a schedule instead of their babies. Sears states that the cry-it-out, “convenience” parenting offers “short-term gain” but “long-term loss” and is “not a wise investment,” as they create distance in the relationship.
7. Balance:  Sears wisely calls for parents to learn when to say “yes” and when to say “no,” when to give to themselves and their marriages, and when to ask for help.

Recognizing attachment parenting
Kudos to API for identifying October as “attachment parenting” month and drawing attention to this important issue! Readers are encouraged to check out the organization’s site for detailed information about several celebratory events API is hosting, including a “blog carnival” (with prizes) and special teleseminars. One event of note is a discussion with Martha Sears (nurse, author, childbirth and breastfeeding educator, wife of Dr. William Sears, and mother of eight) on the topic,  The Myth of Perfect Mothering. Peggy O’Mara (editor of Mothering magazine) will also speak, on Getting Real with Ourselves—and Our Kids. Be sure to check API’s site for additional events!

As a new parent with my first baby in my arms, I came to attachment parenting backwards and not knowing what it was. Ben, with his newborn needs and his vocal communication, taught me how to listen, and how to do my best to address his needs.

Let me tell you, I was sometimes a very thick “student.” Truth be told, I still am. Now, with my third child in my arms, I feel I do a better job. Still, it is a blessing attachment parenting doesn’t expect us to be perfect. Just that we be eager to learn, from our children and our hearts. I can do that.